Tabloid is a turing-complete programming language for writing programs in the style of clickbait news headlines.
Here are a few things the Top Five Most Popular Quirks and Features of the Tabloid programming language (Number Four Will Shock You!)
- Print output with the keywords
YOU WON'T WANT TO MISSfollowed by an expression. Everything printed by Tabloid is automatically capitalized, and an exclamation point is added. Why would you want anything else? - Declare a function by writing
DISCOVER HOW TO ... WITH. Truly, a more gripping way to declare a function can’t possibly exist! Similarly, assign to a variable withEXPERTS CLAIM ... TO BE. On the Internet, anyone can be an expert, and Tabloid gives YOU the power to wield that responsibility and declare anything you’d like! - There are no built-in constructs for looping. The news cycle is moving too fast! Nobody has time for yesterday’s loops or last week’s break statements. If you must loop, use recursion.
- To return from a function, simply write
SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT! You’re going to—gasp!—return? How shocking! - Every program must end with
PLEASE LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE, because you have to grow your audience! Hashtag hustle.